Finding My Partner at Last

“One day someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else.”

Anonymous

Preparing for Partnership and Life

I arrived at adulthood not ready for partnership (or life). My parents’ troubled marriage scarred my siblings and me as they broke each other’s hearts and inadvertently harmed us. We watched two wonderful and talented people unable to live with or without each other and trapped in painful conflicts they could never fully resolve.

Though wounded from my childhood experiences, through a fortunate series of events after college, I landed a job as an attendant in a psychiatric hospital. There, I discovered my interest in and talent for psychology. This invaluable experience opened my eyes to the complexity of human suffering and the potential for healing and happiness. I decided then that I wanted to become a clinical psychologist. Thus, I began a rewarding ten-year journey during which I worked to understand and heal myself while completing graduate school and professional training. Many people helped me learn and heal, including the women I dated, therapists, teachers, mentors, and friends. Finally, at 31 (better late than never), I was ready to enter a life partnership and start my career.

My name is Dr. Lane Lasater, a retired clinical psychologist. In gratitude for the life I have been given, I am sharing everything I learned during my career and personal life here on my website http://www.LaneLasater.com and on my YouTube Channel Life Roadmaps from a Retired Psychologist  https://www.youtube.com/@lane205   Each post contains my written material, an AI generated graphic, a 15-17 minute audio summary, and a 5-7 minute video summarizing the material. You can download a fillable and printable PDF workbook that contains all the exercises that I developed to accompany the material here: Finding a Life Partner Fillable Workbook

 

Completing My Search for a Life Partner

It was a wintry Saturday morning at the University of Minnesota Health Sciences Center in Minneapolis. Now a clinical psychology intern, I was due to visit the locked adolescent psychiatric unit to check in on three troubled teenagers assigned to my care. As I entered the nursing station, a small booth with nothing but a desk and a mountain of paperwork, I encountered a psychiatric aide reading a book about Native American spiritual wisdom. This was Nancy Larson, my soon-to-be life partner (although I didn’t know it yet). Nancy’s reading choice, jeans, flannel shirt, and hiking boots shouted “outdoor woman with a questioning mind” to me, a skier and backpacker from Colorado. I decided at that moment I wanted to ask Nancy for a date when the right time came. This was the beginning of our great and continuing relationship adventure.

Asking Nancy Out on a Date

 Two months after I first ran into Nancy, I called to invite her to dinner. I’d waited to rotate to another hospital unit so if things didn’t work out, I wouldn’t be in the uncomfortable situation of having to work closely together. I’d already learned that hard lesson. There were other attractive and (as far as I knew) available women working on the unit. But I knew I could only ask one woman out. If Nancy said no and mentioned my call to the others, any other woman I contacted would know she was a second choice—not an impressive start!

I found out Nancy was working an evening shift on a Friday, so I called a few days before to ask if she’d like to have dinner after she got off work that day. I held my breath because I didn’t know for sure if Nancy was in a relationship. After hearing my suggestion, she said, “Thank you. I’m seeing someone, but we can be friends.” Oh, no! My heart sank, but it was now or never, I thought. So, I told her, “I’m not interested in a friendship.” There was a loaded silence. Then, she replied, “I guess my relationship isn’t that serious.” So, we set a time to meet.

I’ll tell you more of our story as we go through the posts. Your search for a life partner may have many twists and turns as mine did, but no matter what happens, keep learning and keep searching.

Helping Others with Relationship Choices and Challenges

As I worked as a psychologist helping individuals and couples, I realized the relationship lessons I’d learned during my extended search for a partner could be useful to the people I consulted with. My career as a relationship counselor really began as a child when I tried to stop my parents’ terrible conflicts. My advice was pretty good even then, but unfortunately, they weren’t able to follow my suggestions, and things just got worse. Now, I had the privilege of working with people who sought guidance and could make use of my help. In this book, I present the concepts and techniques I’ve used personally and taught to my clients to guide you.

Key Takeaways from This Chapter

• Take the time you need to prepare yourself for a lifelong partnership.
• The person you’re looking for is out there working to prepare him or herself.
• When you discover a potential partner—let them know you’re interested.
• I thought Nancy was the woman I was looking for but needed to check things out directly.
• Once I learned how to make my own relationships work, it prepared me to help others.