Creating Relationships that Support Recovery

January 5, 2026 by Lane Lasater

My name is Dr. Lane Lasater, a retired clinical psychologist. In gratitude for the life I have been given, I am sharing everything I learned during my career and personal life here on my website http://www.LaneLasater.com and on my YouTube Channel Life Roadmaps from a Retired Psychologist https://www.youtube.com/@lane205 Each post contains my written material, an AI generated graphic, audio summary, and a short video summarizing the material.

A printable and fillable PDF “Exercises to Support Recovery from Family Trauma Syndrome” with each exercise I describe in my videos can be downloaded here:

https://www.lanelasater.com/exercises-to-support-recovery-from-family-trauma-syndrome/

In this post, I discuss the importance of careful discernment in relationships so you can avoid entering those that set back your recovery.

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.”

William Butler Yeats

Unlike a biological child who is under your care for approximately 18 years, the child within is your responsibility for life. In recovery, you’re able to face new setbacks and hurts that come along in life, but as mentioned earlier, recovery doesn’t mean “as good as new.” For many of us, our inner children can’t tolerate exposure to abuse, insanity, and deprivation. It’s essential to use your adult power, discrimination, and information to find trustworthy people and environments that support you in becoming your fully functioning recovery self.

Image 13 portrays our capacity to use our adult power to protect our vulnerable child-selves from abuse or mistreatment.

Protect Your Inner Child A mother lion models how we need to protect and provide for our vulnerable and innocent child-selves. Her cub is under her watchful eye, and she is prepared to use teeth and claws to protect her offspring from any threat in the environment.

All relationships operate within explicit or implicit contracts about how things will be between us and other people. For instance, in romantic or marriage contracts, there is usually an agreement that both people will be sexually faithful.

Contracts allow us to meet our needs in relationship with childhood families, in our love relationships, and at work. You identified what you need in these settings during your personal process inventory in Chapter 10. Some of our needs are non-negotiable. For instance, exposure to abuse, insanity, or deprivation is non-negotiable because these circumstances threaten our safety, well-being, and recovery.

In the past, we sometimes made contracts based on illusions, and the result was disaster. Frequent illusions behind our contracts were, (1) Things will change for the better, (2) I can succeed where others have failed, (3) I can get used to it, (4) I can find a relationship or job situation where someone will take care of me, and (5) If I don’t act on this opportunity, I’ll never have another chance.

Considering adult reality, we revise these to: (1) I can change myself for the better, but other people won’t reliably change because I want them to; (2) I can succeed where others have failed, if I have the resources and strength to act, and if my goal is not dependent upon the actions of others who don’t share this aim; (3) I won’t get used to it—I’ll get sick of it. I’ll never recover a tolerance for toxic things I’ve been over-exposed to as a child or earlier during adulthood; (4) If I choose to let someone take care of me, I’ll become a victim when my needs diverge from those of the person or organization that’s caring for me; and, (5) If I feel compelled to act on a certain opportunity, it’s often a sign I’m overlooking some problem in myself or in the situation.

Your Entrance Exam

Develop your personal “entrance exam” to guide whom you choose for close personal or work relationships. Your entrance exam defines your non-negotiable contract requirements.

Recovery Exercise #21: Develop Your Entrance Exam

Based upon your experience with people and job situations, what are the non-negotiable requirements (as distinct from preferences) you require in personal or work relationships to maintain your health and well-being? List two separate categories: (a) characteristics that I must have and (b) characteristics that I can’t stand.

Sample Entrance Exam Requirements

Use Your Entrance Exam

Once you have your entrance requirements, evaluate all the information available about people and job situations before you enter new contracts. People show you directly or indirectly what you can expect from them during the initial interactions, but you must use your eyes, ears, and intuition. As you evaluate a relationship or job situation, pay attention to what people say and don’t say, what you learn about the history of the situation or person, and how you feel during and after the interaction.

Ask questions to get the information you need. Compare what you discover against your non-negotiable requirements and discuss questions and doubts with someone you trust. If your requirements are present, proceed with the next stage of commitment to the person or situation. Your entrance exam contains your implicit contract requirements. If what you require is missing, hold out for what you know you need, but be prepared to say goodbye respectfully if you can’t achieve this.

If you’re currently in a situation that doesn’t meet your entrance requirements, you can’t remain there too long without harming yourself. Do what is possible to negotiate for what you need, and if you can’t achieve this, find a healthier situation for yourself. Even if you only decide to move on, you’re empowered.

Give Yourself the Life You Want

When I was 25, a mentor asked me, “How many days do you have left?” The question surprised me then, because it seemed most of my life still stretched ahead. But ever since, his question has been valuable to contemplate. We don’t know how many days we have left, but we know for sure it’s a finite number. Through our recovery efforts, we’ve now gained new freedom to make positive choices, put the pain of the past behind us, see the world as it is, and break away from addiction. Our task for each of our remaining days is to treasure that day as if it were our last. In this way we build lives we enjoy and are proud of.

In your recovery journal, write your vision for a perfect day one year from now, five years from now, and fifteen years from now. Plan for what you need to do to prepare for those perfect days ahead.

Key Takeaways from this Chapter

The image of the little boy or girl within you is a powerful tool as you plan each day
Let that little person know what the day will hold and how you will take care of him or her
Now you have all your adult power, discernment, and information to provide an environment of safety, intimacy, excitement, and challenge in which that inner self can thrive
Even though your child self has healed from painful and sometimes traumatic childhood experiences, he/she will always be vulnerable to people and situations that are chaotic, unsafe, toxic, untrustworthy. Heed your intuitive senses about these threats
Negotiate each personal or professional relationship bearing in mind your entrance exam requirements